Introduction:

So I've decided to move this online because why not.  Here is a list of what I've told so far.

1.     What did one hat say to the other?  You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.

2.     What did the monk say to the hot-dog vendor?  Make me one with everything

3.     …so the vendor makes the dog and accepts  a $20.  After waiting a minute, the monk asks, “where my change?” The vendor replies, “change must come from within.”

4.     The monk then pulls out a gun and says “I said I wanted my change."  "OK, OK," says the vendor, "but why does a monk carry a gun?"  The monk responds, "my inner piece is a glock."

5.   Two atoms are walking down the street, when one says to the other, "I think I lost an electron."  "Are you sure?" asks the second.  "Yeah, I'm positive."

6.   Some helium walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The helium doesn't react.

7.   A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?"  The bartender looks at him and says, "For you?  No charge."

8.   Heisenberg was an awful lover--whenever he had the right position he never had the right speed, and whenever he had the energy he never had the time.

9.   Man, entropy just ain't what it used to be.